i love making people feel dumb sometimes.

cashier- hello (glances down, pauses)....did u know you are wearing two watches?
me- (looks down) yeah? what of it?
cashier-(awkwardly)um, i just thought id let you know...in case you didnt know..
me- (smirking) why wouldnt i know that i was wearing them?
cashier- (flabbergasted)- um, no idea. did you find everything ok?
me- yep, sure did. and i did it in record time cuz im wearing two watches.
cashier- yep.

lol. i know this is stupid, and in hindsight may have been a little mean on my part, but i thought it was amusing. and yes, i am wearing two watches, one on each hand. why? i really have no idea. and i really dont care. do you know anyone else who does that? no? there we go lol.

lost my phone AGAIN today. i have the worst luck with electronics, and phones in particular. LUCKILY the same cashier i had the conversation with above found it and turned it in to the customer service desk.

so i have my phone back again. and i swear to the gods im gluing it to my damn leg. UGH.

in completely random news, my new meds are working wonders. it feels good to be happy somewhat again, even if its a fake happiness.

*sigh* now i just need a job. *crosses fingers*

looking forward to...oh yeah, nothing lol.

well, i do have to say one thing. finally telling my dr how much i hated myself and how often i sat and dreamed of suicide resulted in one thing; happy pills! normally, im really against taking meds like that because of what they can do to people, but my dealing with these horrific feelings for over the past 10+ years and not getting anywhere with myself, i needed them. and they have been doing some good. ive started creating art again. well, not so much original art, but i have been attempting to better the basic abilities i possess. my painting is getting better...at least by my standards. by my ysu professor standards? my 'talent' is mediocre at best. but i have been feeling much happier since i once again picked up a brush. which, that hasnt happened in over 2 years. so i feel ok. of course with my naturally scatterbrained mind, it would be a lot better if i remembered to take the damn things the same time every day. but...i can say that they are working. i of course still hate myself, but how do you undo 20+ years of self hatred as well as oh so positive commentations from people you thought cared about you? one pill a day isnt going to fix that. not even years of therapy could begin to undo that damage. i have also been told that i am now pre diabetic. no surprise considering 1) it runs on my sperm donors side of the family, and 2) that i have pretty much given up on my dream to be thin. of course, this stems back to the depression as well, and my dr has hope that once i start to really beat the depression, my need and want to get healthy will kick in and the problems will start to alleviate themselves. the best thing about my dr is that she has confidence in me and my abilities, both medically and otherwise, and she knows that i will one day be the person i have hoped to be my whole life. the feeling i get from hearing that is definitely foreign to me, but i like it. i like having someone who only knows me on the surface (in terms of personality, i mean she has seen my insides ;p) who believes in me this way. its unreal to me. =D
so..once im used to the meds, i have a strong hope that i will take a look at this crappy life i have and start to find the desire to do a complete overhaul and let the real kendra start to come through. the thinner, happier kendra anyways. i dont think i will ever change who i have become entirely, i may however become less bitchy and more open to new things, but thats a kind of change im willing to go through. i hope that before i hit the big 3-0 (cant believe we are all almost 30. feels like just yesterday we were all 14) i will be a new, better me =D.

wish me luck. *sigh* here goes nothing.

its all more or less win or lose.

i havent felt compelled to write, talk, to really do a whole lot of anything lately. i have, however, delved deeper into my kitchen based interests and have started cooking again to help calm my tortured mind. it helps, for the most part. i have lost all want to do anything, i guess i have grown complacent and static in my aging, well, age. life really has no meaning or purpose for me, so i feel like i should just coast on through til death.

on the menu for today:
goulash and noodles and cabbage.

i love my polack heritage. thats why im round, and thats why i love to cook. =)

if teaching doesnt work out, which at this point it looks as if that opportunity for me is non existent or bleak at best, i may look into taking cooking classes.

and im also getting my masters in psych. i may be a screwed up lost cause, but i really think i can help people get through their own crappy lives. or, at least thats what i tell myself to get through my days.

ive given up on most of my dreams and have learned to accept the imminent failure that is my lifes story.

...

i almost got in my car today and just left everything behind. left all my crap, left everyone, just disappeared without a trace. why would it matter anyways? im just fucking invisible. for those who dont know, my sister got hurt over the weekend. really badly. she shattered her knee in 4 places and had to have a 3' plate and 7 hex screws put into her bone to hold it together.she did this by falling out of a tree into a small ravine about 15 feet below her because shes an idiot. i am severely depressed by this, its my baby sister. so much so that i have given myself 3 bloody noses with worry over her, only had 2 hours of sleep and havent eaten for 24 hours. i want so badly to switch places with her, but i cant. i dont care about that, i could stand to miss about a months worth of meals anyways, but i digress. i spent 12 hours with her (and my mother) in the hospital today. and what started all this crap is how much people were concerned for her, and the fact that my mother was in the hospital with her ALL DAY. now, i know she needs people there with her because shes in a bad way, but thats not what im mad about. not mad, more utterly crushed is more like it. i spent the whole day listening to mom, hurry up and waiting, and fielding questions through my sisters phone to her concerned friends. what really crushed me was the fact (and this sounds petty and childish and immature, but you know what, i dont fucking care anymore) when i was in the hospital because my heart stopped beating...i had NO one there for me. I spent damn near the entire week alone...terrified and utterly alone. my family came up once for a total of an hour, and part of that was to pick me up because i couldnt drive. i had one friend come to see me, and we dont even talk anymore...but it just utterly destroyed me that i mean so little to people. i mean, my heart stopped beating twice and i almost died, but my own mother didnt believe me that i was really sick. i mean, this is just the icing on the cake for me, but i guess my real problem is im so fucking tired of meaning so little to people, when i try to do everything i can for them. my heart has been fucking up again a lot lately, and i havent told anyone because to be quite honest, im hoping it stops all together. im tired of hating everything about my life, and im tired of feeling so unimportant. im tired of bending over backwards for people and when i need someone, im left alone. i hate my fucking life, and today, as i was driving home from the hospital, i almost kept fucking going. i am about 2 seconds away from deleting EVERYTHING of mine and seriously running the fuck away. i would feel much better about strangers treating me like im invisible, but when its people who are supposed to love me, i just cant deal anymore. im so depressed that all i can think about all day long is how i can screw up the courage to run my car into a goddamn telephone pole or how many of my pills i can take at once to stop my heart forever. im tired of living a failed life, no matter what i do to try and better myself, i always get fucked. and i dont know what the hell i did to piss off whoever, but im tired of this. i have done everything possible to change myself, and nothing is working. im talking to doctors, im doing all i can to stop these feelings, but they just dont. and yes, i have accepted that i feel this way partly to my own doing, but im trying very hard to undo it, to have it explode in my face. im done. im tired of crying because no one cares, im tired of people letting me down, im tired of being unhappy no matter what i do. and yes, this is part of life, but its all my life has ever been. when the hell am i going to be able to finally understand what it means to be happy? and i dont care if anyone who does read this thinks im a huge baby or im acting ridiculous, im tired of my feelings not counting. this is whats wrong with me, and i dont know how else to help myself. and one of these days, i may just fucking leave and never come back. im tired of crying, and im tired of feeling unimportant. i just want, once, before i die to feel like im really special to someone. and most days, i dont feel that way.

im probably going to delete facebook. im over it.

fuck life. im done. i go to the doctors next week. im telling her to fucking commit me.

im already on depression meds, and apparently they arent working.


....and it just keeps getting worse. my friend jamie got an art teacher job, but i cant even get an interview for ANY that ive sent out. apparently im terrible on paper.....

FML

no new crazy dreams to report

last night i was insanity free, but i of course sunk back into the literary world i have immersed myself in for over 10 years. =P

i should really direct porn. some of the thoughts in my head are damn near criminal LOL.

wow. not sure where that came from.

im trying to get back into the whole online blogging thing again, thanks to peer pressure ;) j/k. i used it blog all the time, but then it became a fad, and i have to admit i was pretty bummed when i didnt generate hundreds of strange people reading my blog and telling me how hilarious i was or how amazingly talented i was with writing. (i know, egotistical much?) i guess in the delusional world i live in, i really am talented and something positive will come from it, like someone wanting to give me a chance to publish my book =).

but alas, that never happened, so i fell out of the blog fashion there for a while. i tried writing in a real journal instead, but that fell through too. its important to get all the thoughts down, but i gave in to the lazy. =) what i really need to do is walk around with a tape recorder, and as soon as a thought pops into my head, i need to record it to look back on later. i have lost some SUPER ideas because of that.

but, knowing my luck, all these ideas will already have been capitalized on by some other tween author and will sue me for copyright infringement. but theres really only so much you can do with the 7 standard plots of the world.

the world bites. LOL.

oh well. c'est la vie, n'est pa? later gators. =D

zoom zoom zoooom

i have been having the worlds most BIZARRE dreams lately. i dont know if its my insanity finally coming out full force or what, but they have been so screwed up that they have woken me up from a dead sleep. the first one i can clearly remember and recall vividly involved me, a group of my friends (ang, lins, kaleigh, jami, and a few guys too, but i dont remember them well) were scooby doo and the gang stylin' in a creepy ass graveyard. it was almost like a horror movie, we were chasing some form of zombie/monster thing, and it resulted with damn near everyone either dying or getting horrifically mauled...getting to the end, where it turned out it was a super super intricate illusion of a fun house ride. it was NUTS.

then, last night, i had a dream (and you guys will all get a kick out of this one) about me and one of my cooperating teachers from my last semester in college. (a male) it started out with me teaching in his class room, and then he asked me on a date (this guy is an older guy, with a bald spot and a bird..thats all im saying...he would not even come close to the guys i like, let me just say) and our date consisted of us going back to girard high schools old auditorium to watch a k-12 production orchestrated by mrs. davis. and heres the funniest and most disturbing part: each of the grades' skits was sexual in design!! there was gyrating, obscene language and all kinds of outrageous things. suffice to say, after all this strangeness, i woke up right before i had the dude's baby.

messed up on SO many levels!!!!

the one i have had recently that i enjoyed is actually going to be a scene in my book...if i ever get the damn thing done!!! you would think thats what i would devote my time to right now while im unemployed. nope. ADD and glee season one prevented that.

UGH. i need a nap.

can i have a snix and twickers please?

i have decided that my favorite thing in the world right now are inside jokes, stupid english and all around ridiculousness in my life. these are things i have been missing for quite a long time due to well, really not being around other humans. but i have found a group of people that have made me feel absolutely amazing at least one night a week. they remind me that i am really hilarious when i put my mind to it, and they appreciate me for who i am now because they never knew who i was. id forgotten what that feels like. in my old age i have really found out who my friends are and who aren't, and those who are i have come to treasure more than anything in the world. ive always said i dont need people, im just fine on my own and it doesnt bother me that more often than not i am by myself...but i have discovered that this is in fact a lie. it felt great to laugh at myself, laugh at the other people saying dumber things than me, and it felt good to feel good about myself, even if it was just for a few hours on a crappy sunday. this is what i should have been like as a kid, as a teenager, but i wasnt. so im trying to make up for lost time. so, have yourself a snix and twickers, and if you can read this, know that i cherish u in my life =D.