well, i do have to say one thing. finally telling my dr how much i hated myself and how often i sat and dreamed of suicide resulted in one thing; happy pills! normally, im really against taking meds like that because of what they can do to people, but my dealing with these horrific feelings for over the past 10+ years and not getting anywhere with myself, i needed them. and they have been doing some good. ive started creating art again. well, not so much original art, but i have been attempting to better the basic abilities i possess. my painting is getting better...at least by my standards. by my ysu professor standards? my 'talent' is mediocre at best. but i have been feeling much happier since i once again picked up a brush. which, that hasnt happened in over 2 years. so i feel ok. of course with my naturally scatterbrained mind, it would be a lot better if i remembered to take the damn things the same time every day. but...i can say that they are working. i of course still hate myself, but how do you undo 20+ years of self hatred as well as oh so positive commentations from people you thought cared about you? one pill a day isnt going to fix that. not even years of therapy could begin to undo that damage. i have also been told that i am now pre diabetic. no surprise considering 1) it runs on my sperm donors side of the family, and 2) that i have pretty much given up on my dream to be thin. of course, this stems back to the depression as well, and my dr has hope that once i start to really beat the depression, my need and want to get healthy will kick in and the problems will start to alleviate themselves. the best thing about my dr is that she has confidence in me and my abilities, both medically and otherwise, and she knows that i will one day be the person i have hoped to be my whole life. the feeling i get from hearing that is definitely foreign to me, but i like it. i like having someone who only knows me on the surface (in terms of personality, i mean she has seen my insides ;p) who believes in me this way. its unreal to me. =D
so..once im used to the meds, i have a strong hope that i will take a look at this crappy life i have and start to find the desire to do a complete overhaul and let the real kendra start to come through. the thinner, happier kendra anyways. i dont think i will ever change who i have become entirely, i may however become less bitchy and more open to new things, but thats a kind of change im willing to go through. i hope that before i hit the big 3-0 (cant believe we are all almost 30. feels like just yesterday we were all 14) i will be a new, better me =D.
wish me luck. *sigh* here goes nothing.
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